~o~
I had the nasty, upper chest pains for hours last night. Even after going to bed. I even have pain in my hands, wrists and forearms. Several medical websites say that pain is a known side effect. It also says that it takes a whole week to be rid of the relevant medication in the body. I am going to stop taking the tablets for a week. If the pain subsides then I'll ask for an alternative medication.
9.30 Just a short walk as the sky darkened. Heavy rain, with possible thunder, is heading straight for us.
11.00 Dead on the hour, the promised rain has arrived. In monsoon guise! Torrential, pissing down, stair rods or cloud burst? You pays your money and makes your choice.
The day was spent aimlessly on the computer. Looking up at intervals at the roar of the rain lashing down again.
I keep watching films and TV series about the loss of a loved one. An odd form of therapy but one which I find useful. Where sympathy and empathy for their on-screen, fictional struggles to cope. Can be measured against my own. How well am I doing in comparison? Does the exposure to my own, raw memories help me to heal? Do I need a dog, a cat or a goldfish? That sort of thing.
Too early to say but I am very unlikely to try and take it out on the innocent. The up-welling of memories is constant and often surprising. In its tiniest detail and utmost clarity. I have a bottomless pit of these memories to bring up into the light. Where the forgiving sun can warm them and then let them gently go.
Dinner was sardines on toast. It was really rather boring compared to mackerel in tomato sauce. I followed up with tomato soup and a roll, as usual.
It is nearly bedtime and I haven't had any chest or other pains today. Except for the left shoulder. Which is agony to move at times. I have no recollection of anything which might have triggered it. Is the lack of tablets so quick to reward me? Time will tell.
~o~
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