~~
I walked the "wrong way" to reach the forest by the steep track. Then descended by the direct route on stubbled fields. I saw a distant hare. The verge slashers had been out. The verges have been untamed and luxuriant all summer. I hope the wildlife appreciated our efforts on their behalf. It remained quite cloudy at first but the sun broke through. I was gone for exactly an hour.
___________________________________
The loss of a lifelong partner is not only the absence of their constant companionship. Their own, encyclopaedic knowledge was a vital asset to a well balanced, daily life. The questions they leave behind will never, can never be answered. Many of which never arose until they were gone. Once discovered it becomes impossible to ignore them. They nag away during all the waking hours and in the twilight of yet another sleepless night.
There is no scalpel to excise a searing memory. Now that so many bubble constantly to the surface. That only a full brain format would eradicate the pain. The crushing sense of profound loss. Of everything they themselves represented. It was they, you now discover. Not yourself. Which defined your whole, past life.
No wishful thinking will ever allow your heartfelt thanks. Nor your empty professions of undying love. To reach their soft ears now. You missed your only chance, again and again. To lift them from the monotony of having to put up with you. To care for your every need. Like some overgrown, helpless and dependent baby.
Do not lightly dismiss their warm words. Nor their lightest touch of affection in real life. It is these which which can never be returned. With the compound interest they so deserve. Not when it is now, far too late. To bank them as an investment in your shared futures.
Tell them you love them. Every single day. Hug them gently and too often. Rather than too little. Thank them for every unquestioned favour. No matter how seemingly trivial. Else forget the bonds your kind words and affectionate touch might have wrought. For the rest of your miserable, lonely existence.
Build no shrine to their undying memory. Not unless you built a shared belief in your infinite love for each other. When it really, really mattered. No glittering Taj Mahal will undo the terrible wrongs you inflicted on your partner through your morbid silence. For the lack of a lack of a kind word when they were down.
Your chance to express your gratitude has long passed. Slipped through your clumsy fingers. Like the sand of the desert you thoughtlessly built between your shared, but ever widening paths. Hang onto their every word for the subtle clues. To constantly and immeasurably improve their and your own life. Or rot in the hell of your burning conscience. When you discover you have failed your only real task in this life. To make another person happier. Than your foolishly selfish and acquisitive self.
__________________________________
I am delivering a whole trailer full of the cleared material. So I may as well bring back some free compost from the recycling yard. Just to smooth out the very uneven bank. Assuming the compost is as light and fluffy as it looks. I shall take an aluminium snow shovel to speed the loading of the trailer.
15.45 69F/21C, bright sunshine. I have just spread the third trailer full of compost onto the gravel. The compost is only about 2" thick but fairly even.
It wasn't as light as I hoped. It took the steel shovel to break up the compacted heap at the recycling yard. Then I loaded the loosened stuff into the trailer using the aluminium shovel. I can feel the effort required in my shoulders now. I think that is enough shovelling for today. Time for a nap.
~~
No comments:
Post a Comment