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My wife lay with her head sideways and her mouth wide open in a shapeless oval. I realised that I had been listening to her erratic breathing for some time before I struggled upright into another day.
A cup of black coffee would sharpen my wits. There had been a light dusting of snow overnight. I quickly cleared the ashes from the stove grate using a length of kindling. Why had I struggled with noisy and clumsy, metal tools? When a suitably flat piece of wood was almost silent in operation.
7.12 The sky is bright from the coming sunrise but cloudy in the north. Back downstairs from the computer to see my wife. Spent hours watching my wife breathing at intervals. The pulse in her throat clearly visible.
I had to get rid of her sister. So I drove her to the village bus stop with enough cash to get home by taxi if need be. She robbed my wife of a last evening with me alone. A horrible distraction when every moment counts.
The nurse called and she gave my wife some morphine. There is no longer any chance of communication. So avoiding pain becomes the priority.
11.00 Muesli breakfast with mid-morning, milky coffee. Not a great match.
My wife is sleeping with her mouth wide open again. She refused a sponge lollipop to wet her lips before the injection. Made no sign that she didn't want the medicine. It can't be much longer now.
I have to make a shopping list for delivery of the important stuff. A private shopper has accepted the order for delivery by 16.00 today.
We had two home helps visit my wife. They changed her top and vest to make her more presentable. In between I have been sitting and talking to my wife. Just keeping her company while she searches for each new breath. Her appearance is changing. Beyond that which the total weight loss has caused. I can barely recognise her now.
I brought my laptop downstairs to avoid having to go upstairs to use the computer. I added a proper wireless mouse. Not keen on the touch pad.
1.20 I have contacted a lady funeral director in Assens. She spoke English. Which is what I might well need for the fine details. Pretending you know Danish. Can often mean learning a whole new vocabulary for each new subject matter. Or stumbling over the exact meaning. She volunteered the details as to the procedure if my wife dies.
13.40 I really should eat something!
14.00 Two more health visitors.
14.10 Lunch is finished. A sunny day but with earlier light snow shower. Occasional cloud.
The shopping has been delivered. No apple juice!?!
16.45 My wife's breathing is becoming more erratic. With congestion and a rattle with every ragged breath.
18.00 No change. Her eyes are still open. Still blue. I tried to moisten her lips with the blue sponge lolly but she clamped them shut.
I need sleep but I can't abandon her this late in her struggle to stay for a bit longer. I keep talking to her and holding her hand but wonder if I am not simply delaying her departure. To where real angels go to rest.
22.30 The kind young home help has been twice. My wife's earlier "rattling" breathing has become more steady, more frequent and quieter. I managed an hour sleeping upright earlier. Using the 3-fold foam mattress as a big seat against the wall on the floor. With my duvet over me. Not ideal, but more comfortable than lying down!
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