~~
8.00 47F. I spent a couple of hours on the computer and laptop deleting old files. Then went for an early walk. Very little traffic. Lots of birds including Yellowhammers. Bright sunshine but a cold wind from the NE again. As usual, the walk helped my painful back.
I just found this image my wife took of her kitchen dresser last summer. The fruit and veg ornaments were obviously her favourites. They were actually on display. Rather than hidden away.
After trying some early, solar imaging, I went out in the car for some tea. [Organic tea bags.]
11.30 56F. Then it was back to widening the drive. By cutting back the ridiculous hedge with the chainsaw. Which needs a new chain or a professional sharpen. The builder's merchants close early on Saturday. So it will have to wait until Monday. It is hard work cutting through 6-8" hardwood trunks with a blunt chain.
My wife would never have let me do this. Except to take the top off the hedge when it got above 4m or 12'. Now I have been cutting out everything which leans towards the drive. It keeps me busy and it is therapeutic to finally be able to attack this damned hedge!
14.00 I did another run to the recycling yard. Taking my wife's basket collection to the charity container. Hampers, tall baskets and lots of medium, smaller and nested baskets. Let somebody else enjoy them. Anonymous donations of my wife's stuff feels is better than constantly burdening the same shop.
The unwavering familiarity of my wife's long term companionship. Is suddenly and terrifyingly absent from my life. The absolute certainty of the other person always being there has now gone. The knowing what they will say. Their responding to a word, comment or idea. The in-jokes which never wore out. The infallible assumption that we would go on being together forever and ever.
Thank god I didn't subject her to my wasting away! The torment of leaving her behind. To fend for herself. Would have been the worst hell imaginable. I could never subject her to that. No matter how many selfish, burning tears I shed. For my dear, sweet Shirley to return to me. It is much too late now. I must carry the burden of guilt. For all my wrongs and failures over a lifetime.
~~
No comments:
Post a Comment