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Google tells me that poor sleep is commonplace with the recently bereaved. As are all the mixed emotions which cartwheel through my day. The anger, guilt, sorrow, sadness and loneliness. All are deemed healthy [in moderation] and must be faced and accepted if I am to heal.
My stomach ache only showed itself for the first time as I drank my morning, black coffee. I had already consumed my muesli. So it may have been coincidence. The coffee was neither hot nor strong. I always mix my hot drinks 50% with cold water from the tap. This saves having to wait to drink it and avoids possible burns.
The shops are open again after the Easter closures. I will probably tricycle there. It was very therapeutic getting back on the trike yesterday. Until I could no longer see where I was going for the tears. I was rehearsing all the things I was going to tell my [late] wife when I returned. A difficult habit to break after so many years.
I want to increase my fruit intake. I am reduced to only a daily banana with lunch. I was slicing an apple to go with the banana each day. However, the organic apples are very poor. Hard and green inside the colourful, red skins. The cherry tomatoes are awful too. Most of them taste rotten. Like the smell of yesterday's street market. Pears? Pineapples? What else is there?
I ate a small tin of mandarins yesterday. I had bought them for my wife. To try and stimulate her appetite. She couldn't manage them. Like so many other tasty treats that I tried to find her. I haven't had any potatoes for weeks. The last lot were green inside too.
Perhaps I ought to start eating salads again? Lettuce, tomatoes and cucumber with boiled, new potatoes. Mostly water, a bit of roughage. Add boiled eggs? That would help to use up the large packages of eggs. I have lots of tiny tins of tuna. These could be part of a salad.
Which vegetables could I face? I eat [frozen] organic peas about once a week. I ought to make a conscious effort to expand my diet away from so much toast and bread rolls.
8.00 39F. Time for my morning walk. I get so much benefit from walking in the countryside. So I must not succumb to inactivity.
8.15 to 9.15 52F. I walked up to the woods by going in the opposite direction to normal. This involves a greater length of main road but the traffic wasn't too awful his morning. Five geese were resting on a roadside field. Later I saw two deer grazing on the crops.
After the steep climb I was going to return by the direct descent. However, my way was blocked by brambles at a half way hedge. So I had to climb all the way back up to the top of the hill to find a gap through to the next field. Then I descended on that side. The sky was streaked like huge vapour trails. Taking the edge off the sun for most of the time.
10.00 The undertaker is calling at noon. I had better get some shopping done. The list is growing by the minute. So I had better take the car. I have managed to find all of the salad components in organic wares.
I was outside collecting scrap metal for the recycling yard. When the lady undertaker arrived on schedule. We had a long and wide ranging chat outside in the warm sunshine. From her own experience it usually takes a couple of years. To come to terms with the loss of a close partner.
Shirley's ashes are now resting on the living room floor. Though not quite that literally. Housed in a neat, compact, black cloth bag. With matching handles and a zip-up top. The inner, cardboard, tubular container [The Official Urn] is designed as a dispenser. No, not with a ring pull! The top has a perforated cardboard circle to push inwards. Or to tear out, according to personal choice.
My wife hated having her picture taken. So I shan't be sharing any
photos of her urn. For some reason I haven't reacted to her being
delivered back to her former home. I'm not really sure that it has sunk
in yet. Was that an unintentional pun?
It would be no problem to fit the whole thing in a cycle saddle bag. To be carried safely to the seaside. Where the contents are meant to be spread on the sea. Prevailing wind sensitivities must obviously be observed. Failure to reach the beach might be caused by an inadvertent, headlong trip in her garden.
14.00 60F To my shame I still hadn't done the washing up from yesterday. So I had to do that before preparing lunch. My daily cheese and raspberry jam rolls lunch was replaced by one half with cheese, one half with honey and two halves with jam. Followed by organic banana and cream. I am trying to get away from eating so much cheese.
17.15 57F. Wardrobe attack! I managed to almost fill five 100L bags of unwanted clothing from my single wardrobe. Much of it not worn, nor even looked at, in many years. Since turning 75 I have become allergic to cardigans! Not that I ever wore any of them. No more suits or Harris tweed jackets and matching trousers.
It is too late to go to the local charity shop now. So I'll take it tomorrow. All the scrap metal in the trailer will be headed for the recycling yard. Do I even need a wardrobe now? I suppose it keeps the moths and dust at bay. Though it's mostly air in there. I could store my music CDs in there. All 65 film DVDs are now boxed and can go to the charity shop too. I never want to watch a film twice.
19.00 First salad of the year. I had to look up how long to boil the [organic] eggs. They were only slightly soft at eight minutes. I pre-boiled the water in the kettle to speed things up. Organic heart lettuce, loads of organic cucumber slices plus tomatoes. With JW tinned salmon providing the fish. Salad cream is a bit naughty but I need it. Lettuce is too bitter without. My stomach is complaining even more now! I haven't had anything to drink. Organic apple juice might help.
If anyone is interested am taking 30mg of Zinc Picolinate, 1000mg of Vitamin C and three 20mcg capsules of D per day. When I remember. My psychiatrist is Dr Tracey Marks of YouTube fame.
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