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I have to load the five, large bags of my newly discarded clothing into the car. To be taken to the charity shop in the village. I'll drop the rear seats forwards to make more room in the car.
Hatch backs have serious advantages in this regard. My "active" clothes, which, I have sorted into tubs, can go in the bottom of my wardrobe. The same one I cleared out yesterday.
Then I'll go around looking for more scrap metal in the garden. Which will go in the trailer to be taken to the recycling yard in the same village. I must admit to slacking on the indoor tidying. My motivation has dropped to zero.
My stomach aches have been reported to the doctor by their private messaging system. I am supposed to meet. To discuss how I am coping with my wife's sudden death.
I may have ruined the balance of the beneficial flora in my gut. By changing my long term diet. The sudden absence of The Head Chef. Meant that my evening meals had been reduced to "something on toast" rather too often.
I also started eating potato crisps with my lunch time rolls. This was an attempt to stimulate my flagging appetite. I also dropped active yogurt in favour of organic cream with my lunch time, sliced banana. Yes, I am a creature of habit.
Depression and PTSD can/will both affect the flora of the gut. My sleep patterns have changed drastically since my wife first fell ill. I have been getting up at ridiculously early hours. 3-4am. My trying to compensate by napping during the day. Isn't the same thing as sleeping solidly at night.
The body/mind has circadian rhythms. Which feed back to all the organs of the body. Even worse, I wasn't able to sleep during the day. My mind would start going round in circles. Just as as it does to force me out of bed in the early hours of the morning.
My overall tiredness catches up on me. As I drift off, my head flops backwards, while I am on the computer. Very unnerving! Driving while being so tired is obviously more challenging.
And no, I am not about to start pill popping! I am certainly getting more than enough exercise. In fact I am quite shocked how well I am holding up under the loads I am placing on my bod. I am lifting and carrying ridiculous weights! Repeatedly. Often involving the very steep stairs. 55º. I was suffering from knee pain on the stairs for months before my wife fell ill. Now I don't notice a thing.
I still walk every morning. Getting replacement Scarpa boots, under guarantee, has given me the ability to go off-road again. I have already been up to the woods twice. This was after months of repetitive walks to the lanes. Keeping firmly to the asphalt. There was a slight delay in extending my range while they broke in.
Getting back to riding my trike has been far easier than I anticipated. I seem to have retained far more fitness than is imaginable given my long hiatus.
6.45. Not too early for muesli. I don't want to run out of steam. Before morning coffee and a toasted roll with marmalade.
7.00 I have just removed the black, cloth bag from my wife's urn. She was never "a morning person" but couldn't easily object. The urn consists of a sealed cardboard tube. Decorated with butterflies and out of focus plants. It is resting on an old coffee table in the living room. [Lounge?] A table which she had moved to the corner of the kitchen. To permanently lock in her mystery cupboard. [Now demolished!] Containing little more than two, Vax, vacuum cleaners and some old paint.
I thought of lifting her urn onto her "tall boy" chest of drawers. Which would put her [ashes] at her former eye level. At the moment she is situated in more of a seated position. She liked her 3 seater settee. An expensive purchase way back in our youth. It was covered in golden peacock feathers. The matching chair is still upstairs on the landing for TV watching. The settee is no more. It had to be demolished to get it out of the lounge. To make room for her hospital bed.
With the kitchen sink window now clear, I can see her golden daffodils. Glowing amongst the countless, bright blue flowers in her front garden. This is the first time this window has been opened as far back as I can remember. 20+ years? It is far too early in the year for any of her other flowers to be out. A greenfinch was wheezing its song nearby. As I took a snap out of the open window.
She had denied herself that view for well over two decades. Due to the "blinding sun" when she was washing up after lunch. Another tragedy! She decided she wanted the window to be covered in a clear, net reinforced tarpaulin. "To keep the ants out." The ugly window covering quickly discoloured and became opaque but still allowed light through.
The same held true for the tarpaulin over the bedroom window upstairs. Thereby denying us the view up the hill to the woods for many years. Though in this case it was to protect her privacy from the racist drunk neighbour. Who would light a bonfire and stand around shouting with his drunken mates. While staring up at our bedroom window. A misfortune which led to a ridiculously high hedge obscuring their view. By which time the racist drunk had walked away from his mortgage and moved on.
7.42. 41F. Time for my walk. Just my usual walk to the lanes and back. My old clothing is now safely in the car boot. The charity shop doesn't open until 10am. Nor does the recycling yard.
9.20 53F. Bright sunshine. I have been collecting more scrap metal. Stuff which was set aside for potential use but never really was. Some of it was for projects. I was going to build a tadpole trike for years. The tubing and frame parts are finally to be scrapped. Some of my wife's large, metal pots have rusted badly and will go. My Hifi stands are going too.
I hope to get the staff to park the JCB somewhere near the scrap metal container. So I can more easily place the entire trailer load into the huge bucket. Then I needn't climb the steps to the top of the container with every single item. I'll see what they say. They aren't allowed to actively help people unload their trailers. For fairly obvious reasons. [Damage or injury.] I was told to leave any heavy metal objects on the ground.
12.30 60F. A second, mixed trailer full taken to the recycling yard.
13.00 Just finished lunch. No more crisps. I bought some yogurt to go with the banana while I was in the village. Organic honey replaces one of the cheese, half rolls. Raspberry jam on the final two halves. My stomach hasn't felt so bad this morning.
Some say that the beneficial yogurt bacteria are killed by the stomach acid. The trick [allegedly] is to eat the yogurt on an empty stomach. This way the yogurt joins a fast moving flow away from the stomach. Rather than being held up and destroyed as a large meal is slowly digested.
13.15 Now I can't stay awake! Tried to nap but I didn't sleep.
16.30 Just back from another delivery to the recycling yard. An oak, filing cabinet has been acting as my headboard for years. No longer! It went out of the window and down the ladder. The gap between the central chimney and the sloping ceiling is now twice as wide!
18.15 Yet another overflowing trailer ready for the recycling yard. I am worn out! I had to come in for a rest.
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