18 Jul 2017

18th July 2017 Dog sniffing dogs?

Tuesday 18th 58-66F, 14-19C, heavy overcast,  but dry, with a threat of sunshine later. Just another day in paradise. There was a piece on the Gravely  Blighted TV news about a need for dog sniffer dogs [sic] to replace the present drug sniffing dogs. Instead of starting each day with a line of coke, the dog, sniffer dogs are desperately needed to bust the import of illegal, puppy-farmed hairy mutts for the mutts who cannot afford a 'real' one , probably because of all their other habits. 
I'd cut out the middle dog and have dog chip readers in every mobile 'iWotsit.' If the dog's chip fails to register then you should have the legal right to hit the mutt's owner with your laptop or oversized iPhoney 12½, or whatever. Hope this helps?

Evil LOTR extras dressed as ducks.

Time for a walk before I get into any more trouble. Wish me luck! I'm a potential martyr to every drunk, drug addled, deluded commuter with a mobile phone and an empty, bubble-packed ego. As I toddle along, as the close to the verge as I dare in my [charity shop] expeditionary boots. What with killer deer bugs, killer slugs and wolves roaming wild it might actually be safer on the asphalt!

Luckily, it occurred to me at the very beginning of my morning, [dangerous sports] walks to carry some ID. Just in case one of the registered and multiply-banned, drunken sociopaths fails to notice me during a sexting session in his black, two seater Mercedes. As he makes his daily attempt at the Danish Land Speed Record for passing a junior school. He needs a very long run up which passes along my usual route. I just pray I don't end up being roasted on a spit, as road kill, by the local sports club at their annual, overnight, pop festival!

In breaking news: It seems the Danish killer slugs have competition from invading, edible snails. The expert's advice was to take them out with a shovel or garden spade. So I am wondering exactly how large these snails are supposed to be! I have warned The Head Gardener that it will be her responsibility to act as referee in the coming battles as a sort of token, International branch of the Red Cross. Though it seems highly likely to be a rather one-sided affair if the snails can crush the slugs simply by rolling over them!

Well, that was a complete flop!  I arrived at the marsh pond on cue. The costume department had me kitted out as the local tramp. I needed no earpiece prompter to help me with my lines as I prepared for my greatest walk on part..

But will it fly?

When suddenly there were more evil extras, all around me, than a bad dose of LOTR. A thousand immature ducks burst into uproarious laughter at my outlandish garb. As a cross between Dr.Who and Worzel Gummidge, I had thought myself suitably attired for my part. But they were having none of it! So I took a quick snap of the set [for posterity] and beat a hasty retreat. Before there were fatalities to their withering strafes of derision.

Just in time too, as I spotted a Colossal class, [Claas?] agricultural spraying machine. It was very obviously headed my way with evil intent. That certainly explained the strange odour as I entered the field track. At first I had thought it was just me staying in character. But, with my poor sense of smell, it might well have been another, dead cat. So, all in all, not a great morning so far. Far too busy for a ride today.

Click on any image for an enlargement.  


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