29th August 2016 The iRottenApple iRat 7? ®

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Monday 29th 60-63F, 16-17C, heavy overcast with light winds building to 15m/s or 30mph. Early showers clearing to some sunshine later.I stayed dry while I looped out over the stubble prairie in front of the woods. The wind was strong enough to feel slightly too cool. Large areas of the harvested fields are already raked or ploughed and inaccessible. So I am making the most of the freedom to roam before it all becomes sticky, bare soil.

The ducks were in a jolly mood on the marsh pond. Just after that I spotted a young deer with two tall spikes for horns hiding in long grass. He stayed perfectly still as I wasted time trying to separate him from the tall grass and nettles with my camera. It was never going to be a great picture. The eye is far more forgiving of foreground obstructions. Now it has brightened up to sunshine but the wind is even stronger. Was busy working on a project in the garden so another rest day. It only reached 67F but it felt more like 90F in the blinding sunshine.

Tuesday 30th 55F, 13C, dead calm again and the earlier, heavy overcast has already cleared to blue skies and fluffy clouds. It will be windy later on. Danish motorists must be eagerly looking forward to the imminent release of the iSlave 7. Chatting and sexting [sic] behind the wheel with the latest offering from iRottenApple is a popular pastime on local roads. Somebody clever ought to have offered "genuine" clips by now so iSlavetablets can be clipped to the steering wheel. Now that really would be Hands Free! Perhaps iRottenApple should offer a round model "iRat" ® specially for busy Danish drivers? For those not familiar with modern Danish rat means "steering wheel."

I hear that nice Mrs Vestager has been putting her years of well-honed practice on taxing the poorer Danes to good use. iRottenApple is about to be stung by a colossal tax demand by the EU for illegal money laundering tax  evasion avoidance US/EU subsidy of a private US company in iReland. With iSlave sales falling through the [vault] floor [where they keep their $153,000,000,000 bank deposit in unpaid Asian (living) wages] iRottenApple might like to make me a decent offer for my patented and registered round steering wheel 'rablet' idea. You know where to reach me. I'll be the only one not using an iSlave. Strictly on moral and technological grounds. I hear they have crap aerials so they would be utterly useless around here. I wonder if all those drivers using their iPhoneys are simply trying to get reception by constantly driving around with their one good eye on signal level? Can we now blame iRottenApple for global warming too?

My walk took place almost entirely on stubble as I enjoyed another route opened up my inability to do any damage. The moment I stepped into the bare fields three deer looked up. But not at me. They were looking at the nearby road. Which they had studiously ignored until my arrival. I don't know who was more confused but I'm getting used to this sort of thing. Another clearly marked bird of prey went over. I'm sticking with Marsh harrier for the moment as an undersized Red kite. Don't quote me though.

Rode to Assens for a change. Haven't been there for ages. Straight into a headwind with variable cloud cover. The high street cobbles were rougher than  I remember. One of a bunch of bikers wandering about on foot admired my trike. He said "nice bike" in English but then swapped back to his native language to chat with his mates. Beneficial wind on the way back. Should have taken a drink because I was parched on the way back. 20 miles.

Wednesday 31st 55F, 13C, bright sunshine and dead calm with low mist over the fields. I wonder if I'm allowed out to boost my August mileage? Last chance today. Still using the stubble fields for my walks. Ten days after the terrorist murder of a German woman on the motorway near Odense the police report the slabs were stolen from an Odense building site. The murdered woman's husband remains critical in a coma. One of my alter egos was busy with a project so the entire day passed without turning a pedal.

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27th August 2016 No smiles without miles.

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Saturday 27th 60-67F, 16-20C, dead calm and sunny after a misty start. There was heavy dew as I walked my usual forest loop in an anticlockwise direction. I took 34 pictures in about an hour trying to capture the contours of the fields in the aftermath of hay and harvesting. It felt cooler and much more pleasant now.

If this is a forest track then where do I queue for my refund? 

The forest was gorgeous in the crisp sunshine but the overgrown tracks left a wet, high tide mark on my trousers. Crows rose from their foraging in the stubble to chase off a bird of prey. It had the usual markings of a Red Kite but was probably the smaller Marsh harrier. Later I disturbed two buzzards in the pheasant breeding pens contemplating a hearty breakfast. My arrival scattered the pheasants in all directions. The birds of prey lifted off and left their meal, complaining loudly as they soared with fixed wings straight through the forest canopy.

I have to do my familiar Saturday morning shopping run but that won't rescue my derisory mileage for this month. Perhaps I could ride a loop and do most of the shopping on the last leg?  First, I had to clean the trike with ScotchBrite. The sunshine was making it look tired.

A so a loop it was. Collecting a bag of miniature, curly cucumbers from the organic growers before wending my way south through hamlets by empty, winding lanes. Lots of cyclists out training in the warm sunshine. Some of them standing in a queue at the bakers and losing the unofficial race to the poor, old, panting tortoise! My legs were aching again. I must have fallen below the minimum mileage for fitness. Or the minimum fitness for such a poor mileage? Only 27 miles. That means I have just passed 4000km for the year when it really ought to be in miles by now. [Miles = km x1.61]

Sunday 28th, 58-67F, 14-20C, heavy overcast and breezy. Overnight showers with thunder and lightning woke us at 4am. There might be a window of opportunity for a few more miles before later rain arrives. I avoided the roads and walked loops on the stubble fields. Where I came over a brow to see a deer and a fawn or calf standing right out in the middle of the almost bare field. I took a couple of snaps as I drew nearer and they stared back. Taking a sharp left turn to avoid them only spooked the pair into a mad dash away and across the road. The complete opposite of what I had intended. I returned home via the fields on the far side of the same hedges which I have walked and ridden beside for years.

The wind is all over the place. Swapping direction by 180° at short intervals. Another day of closed windows thanks to the neighbour's demolition timber smoke. Anybody who can afford that many cars for one family can damn well afford a solar panel or two and an accumulator, hot water tank. Temperatures in the mid-80s F and they have an indoor, wood burning water heater going all day? Only in Denmark!

Rode off on semi-dry roads into the wind with the promised rain waiting in the wings.[According to the DMI radar] It rained on my Brooks B17 while I was in the second shop. Coming out of the air-conditioned supermarkets was like stepping into a sauna. Then it continued raining during my third stop. Deep sigh of relief as it quickly petered out only to leave the roads saturated. See me. See my tyre spray! Only 7 miles.

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25th August 2016 Fyn? Isn't that a takeway on the motorway somewhere?

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Thursday 25th 63F, 17C, bright sunshine in an almost cloud free sky. Just a few small stripes but more cloud on the northerly horizon. The forecast is warmer still. Though not [remotely] the mid 90sF seen in parts of England yesterday.

Still no sign of the motorway, paving slab terrorist. Apparently Copenhagen does have security cameras because they have found somebody to question over multiple vehicle fires. It seems that [presumably insured] financial [vehicle] loss in the capital is infinitely more important than murder in a Danish "backwater" like Fyn. I wonder how the numbers of policemen and their resources per crime stack up against each other? The Danish news is all about the apprehension of a suspect. The terrorist murder on the motorway is now noticeable by its absence from the DR News website. Perhaps there's a gagging order to hide the terrifying vulnerability of the Danish/Scandinavian/European road infrastructure to an attack by a single [possibly teenage] actor armed with stone age weapons? Is concrete stone age? Whatever. God help us if Denmark is ever attacked by an advanced species from the sky!  

The main DR headlines are just the usual posturing of the politicoze as they play musical chairs on their exclusive gravy train and seek new ways to disguise their paybacks to their election sponsors in reduced taxation for the glitterati. Just the everyday corruption of the national politico/journalist's mutual parasitism of: "You rub my back and I'll rub yours." Rest day, sweating over a hot lathe at 82F in the shed. And no, She didn't make me do it!

A little grain loss on the corners is everyday fare on Fyn. We once drove north for 10 miles following a continuous 4" deep trail of grain in the gutter. Farmer's trailers and a complete lack of grain tightness must an absolute godsend to the poor old rats! And they wonder why there is a plague of the things? There are two dead rats on the road within spitting distance. So handicapped by stuffing their faces with free grain that they could no longer avoid speeding motorists. 

Friday 26th 65F, 18C, breezy and fairly bright with thin, high cloud. This should be the last, warm day for this year. I have never enjoyed hot weather. Now the sun has broken through and the sky is lit up with feathery, ice clouds. It looks quite promising except for the repeat performance of 20mph gusts. Which basically means a steady wind speed of 20mph with little variation. I wish they'd hurry up with having corner shops offering 5D printing of Graphene so I can build a lightweight fairing for the trike.

I made a Perspex screen for my secondhand bike when I was still at school. Then dropped it on a sharp uphill corner in the wet, on its very first outing and smashed it! That put me off Perspex for life! I'm really not keen on Tufnol either. Nor low pressure tyres and rubber pedals but we won't get into that. I don't want to start any more rumours after last week's foolish admission on the subject of leather saddle bags. Don't even mention tarpaulins!

You would not believe the slope these machines were traversing off to the left. I waited until both were in the picture but they were well off the slope by then.

It had already reached 75F by the time I tootled off on my morning walk. Wearing my lightweight trekking trousers and thinnest t-shirt, with trekking sandals on my feet, I hoped for the some good old fashioned coolth. It worked up to a point, in the shade of the roadside trees, thanks to the cooling breeze. But even a glimpse of the sun was enough to melt chocolate had I been daft enough to be carrying any with me. Which is my favourite trick when I carry dark chocolate muesli bars. I put them in my cycling jersey back pockets to warm them up to save breaking my teeth. Then forget to eat the damned things!

A couple [sic] of young cyclists passed by on their racing bikes in all their proper togs but weren't making much progress. They were actually being caught uphill by the local pensioner who does a hilly lap every morning with a cadence measured in plate tectonics. He usually rides single file with a lady of similar maturity but I haven't seen her in quite a while.

How do people in hot climates wear baseball caps? Despite its value as a sun visor I spend more time carrying it in my hand just trying to stay cool! I had better get off now before I alienate anybody else. I have been officially informed [by The Head Gardener, no less] that one does not deliberately choose to do a long ride on the hottest day of the year. So that's that then. Shopping it is, but without any of the usual <cough> "heroics." Or did She mean histrionics? Unless, of course, I am allowed to claim heroic status for bringing home 35lbs of shopping? Only 7 miles in mostly a cross wind that felt more like a headwind going both ways. My legs are aching again. Lack of mileage or standing up for too long yesterday? It had peaked at nearly 83F, 29C on my return. That's almost like going south for winter training but without any of the altitude. 

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