26th February 2013. Bløødy Tuesday!

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26th 33F, +1C, heavy overcast, breezy. I wonder if I dare go out? The police are having a nationwide "razzia" [raid] against errant cyclists. With fines up to 1200DKK/£120 per offence.

In Denmark at least 95% of all drivers travel well above the speed limit, for 95% of the time. Meanwhile the cyclist is targeted for minor offences. Welcome to the Twilight Zone!

I could name 20 villages with the usual 50kph (30mph) speed limits where cars, lorries, and buses all travel routinely at well over the speed limit for built up areas. Many are travelling above the speed limit for country roads! Do you ever see a policeman with a radar gun in these villages? Do they have any speed cameras in Denmark to add to the nation's malnourished coffers in these difficult economic times? Welcome to alternative reality!

There is a speed limit of only 30kph (18mph) in Tommerup Station village. With popular supermarkets and shops on both sides of the road. There are schools, nurseries and a sports hall adjoining the road with only a pavement width for protection. Pedestrians are constantly struggling to cross. (But there are no pedestrian crossings.) The average speed through this chain-built village is nearer 40mph (over 60kph) for all vehicles! Do you ever see a policeman cheerfully counting his massive bundle of speeding tickets for the day? Welcome to alternative reality!

I routinely see vehicles which have left the road in their haste to break the speed limits with complete impunity. Countless vehicles on their sides and even on their roofs lying in fields, woods and verges. Twice I have seen pigs strewn across the road as the lunatic animal transport lorries had left the road. Many roadside trees show the scars of a lifetime of speeding and poor driving. Some roadside avenues of trees have damage to every single tree for mile after mile!

Most corners, with double white line protection, are only rarely taken by any vehicle within the white lines. Including six axle lorries and buses! The double white lines are often completely worn away on many roads. The majority of drivers totally ignore double double white lines on every single corner of their journey. Even when there is oncoming traffic every single corner is cut with complete indifference to road safety. Only a tiny minority stay within the double white lines and the law. Meanwhile the police are stopping and heavily fining cyclists for not having approved reflectors? Welcome to a parallel universe!

Many villages are supposedly "protected" by large speed indicator boards. These light up to show the driver's speed. If the driver exceeds the speed limit the large orange flashing lights will (belatedly) come on. Many boards are so slow to react that the driver is well past the sign and still accelerating hard into the village before the orange flashing lights bother to come on. The lights face towards the countryside so they are rarely seen by the speeding drivers anyway. Many boards flash for every single passing vehicle, except (of course) for cyclists. Though I once managed 40kph in a 50kph zone while pedalling hard downhill. My pathetic speed was not rewarded with orange lights of course.

The set speed limit for villages is usually 50kph or 30mph. I routinely see whole chains of traffic, driving nose to tail, at well above 80kph (50mph) showing on the board for single every passing vehicle. I routinely see these "traffic calming" boards indicating over 100kph! (60mph) The highest indication so far in a 50kph zone  is 127kph. (79mph) but I live in constant expectation of seeing some sociopathic scumbag exceed this remarkable figure.

Many of these speed indicator boards read far too low. Often by more than 5-6kph. This gives the speeding driver a completely false indication of his already illegal speed as he enters the village! How daft is that?

Many drivers will overtake those very rare drivers who are actually adhering to the legal speed limit while travelling through villages. This happened to me three times last time I drove to the shops. I was dead on 50kph and I was overtaken three times within half a mile! Meanwhile the police are fining cyclists for non-dangerous, minor, technical offences. Welcome to alternative reality!

One policeman was quoted as saying that cyclists richly deserve their fines because they are arrogant and indifferent to pedestrians! No doubt the same policemen who is blind and powerless to control 95% of drivers in Denmark driving well above the speed limit for 95% of the time? Yeap. The only real danger lies with those arrogant cyclists! Of course it does. Hundreds of pedestrians are killed and maimed by cyclist every bløødy year. Aren't they?

Denmark was once recognised as the cyclist friendly country of Europe. Perhaps the tirelessly working policeman should be given a shovel and broom to clear the countless thousands of kilometres/miles of completely unusable cycle lanes and paths? Yet it seems that the unemployed, presently being targeted by the politicooze as easy prey for slave labour and dirt cheap votes, cannot be found useful work for the sole reward of their benefits.

These same forced labour victims, of the mass export of real jobs to China, may not compete with council worker's normal activities! The cycle lanes and paths haven't been swept for years! How could anyone possibly compete with this? The remaining council workers never go near the cycle lanes. Not unless they trip while talking on their mobile phones! Their very expensive, specially narrow, cycle lane sweeping and cleaning machines must have completely rusted away by now!

So the poor Danish cyclists are now having to share the carriageways with the illegally speeding traffic for most of their journeys! They have no choice because of the dreadful state of the cycle lanes. Remember the 95% of all drivers speeding 95% of the time? These same drivers are having to share the roads with an awful lot more cyclists than in the past. Has it changed the driver's behaviour? Not at all. They routinely overtake me on completely blind corners "protected" by solid, double white lines!

"Stop! Police! I want to examine your bicycle's reflectors are of an approved nature and safely fixed in an approved position!"

[The policeman is forced to step back to avoid being mown down by the local bus passing at 87kmh (54mph) in the 30kph (18mph) village speed limit. Before returning to his vital duties in attempting to control the bløødy mayhem caused by all those dangerous, cycling, master criminals!]

Welcome to alternative (Danish) reality! :-)

26th cont'd: I returned unscathed by the police razzia on cyclists. Though there were armed police on every junction and armoured cars, with live 50mm, armour piercing ammunition, standing by in the village side streets in case of skirmishes. I could hear drones armed with air to ground missiles overhead but they were lost to view in the low cloud.

The cycling terrorists were all riding as arrogantly as usual. Deliberately mowing down pedestrians at every opportunity. Despite the police presence it was a total bloodbath in the towns and villages I passed through! The world's press had flown in en-masse to record the expected carnage and were not disappointed. They filmed the fire brigade hosing down the rivers of blood in the gutters and the twisted remains of cycle clips left behind from the ugly battle for the streets. Meanwhile, the vicious, lady pensioner ringleaders were still riding around in circles. With their handlebar baskets heavily armed with those lethal garlands of plastic flowers which the Danish riot police fear most.

The bolt on my saddle camp had broken when I had gone to fetch the trike. I only noticed because the saddle was right back and tipped nose up in a very menacing manner. A search of the weapons in the shed found only one only seat pin which would fit the Higgins barrel. I was eager to join the cycling mayhem in the local villages but was tragically delayed while I made hasty repairs. So by the time I got out there were very few pedestrians left to aim at!

I was quite tempted to ride around inside the supermarkets to show my fellow cycling outlaws what a fearless cycling sociopath I really was. Sadly I was thwarted by the anti-cycling steps which had been erected in anticipation of serious trouble from wheelchair bound or pensioner armed with Zimmer frames!

So in the end it was only 15, largely uneventful, miles. I returned home with the adrenaline still rushing in my veins from the countless battles being waged between innocent pedestrians and bloodthirsty cyclists. As I put away my wheeled assault weapon I could still hear the dreadful, rhythmic drumming of truncheons on hundreds of massed riot shields, ringing in my ears!

27th 25F, -4C, overcast, thick mist, hoar frost. The first pig shit spraying of the year! Does your garden smell like overpowering pig's diarrhoea?  Thought not. I had an early appointment so headed off with a Smart rear light flashing. The certifiable commuters were overtaking me at 70mph into a solid wall of mist. I was finding it hard to see the oncoming headlights even at 100 metres and I had no windscreen to impede the view! My fingers were incredibly cold after only a couple of miles. After some brief shopping and a chance to warm up again I left the GripGrab medieval hood off to ride home. I soon had hoar frost on my ears! Not to mention the triple Mohican hairstyle from the helmet cooling slots. Only 6 miles.

28th 40-41F, +4+5C! Very misty but clearing. Overcast but brightening, becoming breezier. Warmest day this year? I had better not waste it. Another pig shit stinking day. They had been spreading chicken manure too. Just an afternoon run to the shops to avoid the mist. It didn't brighten up much but at least it was milder. 14 miles.

Lets be careful out there! :-)