1st April 2019 ABUS apologizes for [rubber] software con.

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Monday 1st April 25F, -4C, hard white frost while spring sunshine continues day and night. A short but brisk walk to the lanes against the commuter traffic.

Despite the ruling, Danish Fascist Party's carpet ban on tricycles I shall be going shopping today. I'll just leave my carpet at home and hang the consequences! Yes, I know it's supposed to be a blanket ban but the Danes always use Google Translate to come up with their [supposedly] catchy Ingleesh slogans. None of which make any sense [at all] to a native English speaker. So we British ex-pats just take the traditional, Danish, Blue Monday pill and go with the flow.

ABUS Locks has apologized on their official Twitter side. Their locks were not coated in Unobtainium to reduce the weight of their "Mini-U" cycle lock from 70kg to just under 7kg. In fact their Mini-U locks really do weigh 70kg. But their [rubber coating] software fooled any electronic scales in their vicinity. Their ruse was only exposed when the scrapyard owner of a vintage, mechanical, lorry weighing platform tried to weigh one in disbelief at the reading on their electronic lorry weighing scales.

ABUS shares plummeted on the announcement of a class action suite brought by the UCI. For damages to carbon fibre cycles crushed by the weight of the owner's ABUS Mini-U cycle locks in Classic Races. A spokesperson for the BCF suggested [on the basis of strict anonymity] that owners carry their ABUS Mini-U lock in a following car. Or, in a real emergency, try 250psi helium in their tyres.

Failing that they should always employ good practice when lifting their ABUS Mini-U locks manually onto their cycles. Knees bent, back straight and an Olympic standard superheavyweight lifter's belt are all essential.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  Lady cyclists should always ask for male assistance in case of any doubt. Do use BSI approved lifting strops and sufficient tethering shackles once the lock is safely onto the machine. Tyre pressures must be checked at frequent intervals to avoid so called, "pinch flats." About every quarter of an hour or 2 miles should do but don't take any unnecessary risks.

I rode off to the shops early to stave off malnutrition and returned heavily laden. There was a special offer on organic beer so I brought back a year's supply in a one-use carrier bag. With all that weight on the rear rack the front wheel kept lifting. So I lashed the Abus Mini-U lock to the handlebars with several 2T lifting strops. Which were the only thing I had handy in the saddle bag at the time.

With the balance now safely restored I was hitting 70 mph on the slightest descent. Fortunately I still had a functional brake in the shape of the massive, ABUS Mini-U lock, up front. So, every time I came to a bit of a drop I'd chuck the lock off the back and use it as a drag brake. I just hope the road repairs chaps don't twig what I was up to. 

Click on any image for an enlargement.

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