13th August 2018 Zombie classes road wars!

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Monday 13th 61F, overcast and damp with a light breeze. It seems too obvious to suggest that the rain is determined to end the drought ASAP. The number of slugs is so low as to be truly memorable. In previous years there were brown tide marks along the roads as millions took to the asphalt for their ridiculously popular, drag racing meets against passing traffic. 

There is renewed speculation that the UK will soon introduce new laws about "cycling furiously." Cyclists have been an "enemy of the people" for well over a century and a half in Gravely Blighted. So make a natural target for the gravy train, musical chairs, stag hunting, tax free bonuses and shooting expenses classes.

There is absolutely no mention [so far] of the likely fines for stepping under the front wheel of a bicycle while texting furiously. Causing a cyclist's death by texting should cause global headlines but doesn't. Humans kill literally millions of other humans on the roads every year. While a single paint scrape in a supermarket car park makes a Tesla easy prey for a hostile global media owned by Big Carbon.

The self-harming, spinal curvature classes greatly outnumber the peds. [Cyclists] So the mobile phone, amateur ear welders form a very much larger, but completely invisible group of potential public offenders. SMIDSY has become the new walking [brain] dead's vocal dismissal of choice following a collision. Remember, children, a zombie lurks behind every iPhoney. Absolutely everybody's doing it, Darling!

The arrival of faster, electric, 'sports' bicycles seems to have gone completely unnoticed by the BBC correspondent responsible for the "furious cycling" story. No doubt they were covering something more important like cricketer's wives and girlfriends last week. So we must make some allowance.

How will they train all those phone abusing zombies to summon their last two brain cells to watch out for speeding cyclists with a powerful new battery up their bum?

Well, on the rear rack, to be more precise, but you get the gist. The obvious answer is that they can't. So they [quite simply] wont. They will only legislate against cyclists because they are such an easy target and always have been. Walking iPhoney zombies are voters. Cyclist don't pay road taxes so they can't vote.

Logic suggests that the mobile phone will just have to become the eyes and ears of the stooping, zombie classes. The all singing, all dancing iTricorder for the walking, virtual iComatose. With a plethora of sensors to gather data about the zombie's immediate environment. Plus a range of [user-selectable] buzzers to warn the abuser of impending suicidal behaviour at the pavement's edge. 

I'm all for VR headsets and Smart iGlasses as long as they don't end up in ER territory. It's not much use being told by Google or iRottenApple that there are 73 fast food outlets within one hundred feet of their present location. Not if it causes great loss of blood to the zombie trying to reach any of them alive. 

Particularly when the roads are newly swarming with battery-driven, cruise missiles. Often with a slightly terrified but sociopathically aggressive, white knuckled granny aboard. Whom are often on the way back from the supermarket off-license with the day's fix. All of them eagerly searching for their next zombie, iPhoney victim. Just so they can compare notes on tactics and personal scores on Facebook. Which is the new form of polite society in the absence of all human contact now that supermarkets are the norm. Have you ever tried opening a conversation with a pre-pubescent checkout operator on the state of anything? 'Nuff said.

Of course this means sports electric bikes need to become largely "self-driving" too. If only to ensure survival to the end of the purchase repayments/ end of useful battery life. Whichever comes later. All this just to avoid serious mayhem on the roads. I'm glad I'm not Lord Boris de Fat-Bar-Steward and having to make up silly new rules for the No Man's Land of the zombie classes, road wars!

Walked to the village and back in spitting rain. A few slugs were trying their chances on the corner near the marsh. The church pond, which was dark and very low last week, had exploded into a thick, green carpet of pond weed.

Talking of which: Jylland's second largest lake has had a catastrophe when 80 TONS of native fish died from oxygen depletion. This occurred  after masses of organic matter were dumped straight into their living accommodation by heavy rain. Farmers are denying their drains running into the lake are in any way responsible. The experts disagree. So it is a severe dent in public confidence after the massive public handouts being given to the farmers following "their" uniquely private drought. Nobody is offering The Head Gardner generous compensation for her straw coloured lawn!

A solitary [decoy?] duck was leaving dark tracks in the pond weed and pretending not to notice me. The graveyard was suffering a landslide of its dry stone walling. So somebody can look forwards to a nice, big, fat cheque at taxpayer's no expense spared. I'm sure the usual congregation of 4-5 elderly souls will be suitably grateful.

Several car computers were set to "Self-Driving: Extreme Sociopath Mode III" today. So the inhuman drivers felt no need to avoid me. As I repeatedly dived headlong onto the wet verge to avoid certain death. Last week it would all have been completely different but we mustn't complain. Thanks goodness global warming is now safely over.

Not that it ever happened according to a neo-intellectual, environmental spokesperson for an extreme right wing, Danish political party. His towering wisdom obviously exceeds that of the collective understanding of the vast majority of scientists. i.e. Those who are actively working in the countless, multi-layered, cross-discipline fields of climate study.

I wonder if he has checked how far above sea level his extensive property portfolio sits? Will it be insider trading if he soon unloads his seaside properties on the truly gullible? Just in case all those experts are right and he wasn't. BTW: Why are the politicooze free from the commandments of Janteloven? [Jante's Law] Perhaps we should be told? No ride today.

 Jante Law: How Janteloven rules in Scandinavia - BBC Ideas

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