~o~
Friday 4th 36F/2C [7.15] Another sunny day is promised. Reaching just over 13C/57F after lunch.
Up at 6.20 after a quiet night. Yesterday was the third anniversary of my wife's death to cancer. Each day that passes it becomes slightly easier to accept. I still have bad days but my memories no longer pull me down into that bottomless black hole of despair.
Our over half century together inevitably provides an endless collection of unique memories. Some good but none so bad I can no longer let them go. Moments pop up quite involuntarily and inexplicably. I constantly relive some moments. Mostly leading up to the time of her death. As if hoping for a different outcome. Could I have saved her? Had I been more firm. In getting the medical help she so desperately needed. But determinedly denied herself.
Those who told me that time would eventually heal the wounds of my loss were correct. It just took much longer than I had imagined. It took this long for me to accept a picture of her. One where she was happy. Albeit taken over 20 years ago. It sounds odd but I never saw how we were both aging. Not until I looked back through the few pictures. She hated having her picture taken. So I must rely on those taken by rare visitors.
I am not lonely. I have always been a loner, with my constant partner. I feel no need whatsoever of a new partner. Certainly not an intimate one. I find myself laughing at the mere thought of it. The last time I was looking for a partner I caught a beautiful, blonde teenager. It was love at first sight. At 78, however, I must seek one. Who more closely resembles my great grandmother.
In retrospect, I enjoyed a lifetime of sharing all our ups and downs. There were things I would give anything to change now but cannot. So must suffer the lingering guilt of failing to be perfect under sometimes very difficult circumstances. Neither of us was perfect. We were simply human. The fragile products of our own upbringing. Damaged goods. As are most human beings.
Tread softly around those you hold most dear. Once carved indelibly into your timeline together. Nothing can [ever] be undone.
8.00 Enough waffling. Time for a walk in the sunshine.
8.40 Back from a deliberately brisk walk to the lanes. The doctor has asked for more blood pressure readings. I wanted to capture the result of exercise. Since my recent dizziness followed lots of exercise. I was concerned that my BP had dropped too far as a result of my medication. The lowest reading followed five minutes of sitting quietly: 96/75 at 75bpm. I'll try again after half an hour of sitting at the computer. Lowest reading after 40 minutes: 98/76 pulse 75. My pulse is usually much slower.
~o~
