4.04.2025 Nothing can [ever] be undone.

 ~o~

  Friday 4th 36F/2C [7.15] Another sunny day is promised. Reaching just over 13C/57F after lunch.

  Up at 6.20 after a quiet night. Yesterday was the third anniversary of my wife's death to cancer. Each day that passes it becomes slightly easier to accept. I still have bad days but my memories no longer pull me down into that bottomless black hole of despair. 

 Our over half century together inevitably provides an endless collection of unique memories. Some good but none so bad I can no longer let them go. Moments pop up quite involuntarily and inexplicably. I constantly relive some moments. Mostly leading up to the time of her death. As if hoping for a different outcome. Could I have saved her? Had I been more firm. In getting the medical help she so desperately needed. But determinedly denied herself.

 Those who told me that time would eventually heal the wounds of my loss were correct. It just took much longer than I had imagined. It took this long for me to accept a picture of her. One where she was happy. Albeit taken over 20 years ago. It sounds odd but I never saw how we were both aging. Not until I looked back through the few pictures. She hated having her picture taken. So I must rely on those taken by rare visitors. 

I am not lonely. I have always been a loner, with my constant partner. I feel no need whatsoever of a new partner. Certainly not an intimate one. I find myself laughing at the mere thought of it. The last time I was looking for a partner I caught a beautiful, blonde teenager. It was love at first sight. At 78, however, I must seek one. Who more closely resembles my great grandmother.

 In retrospect, I enjoyed a lifetime of sharing all our ups and downs. There were things I would give anything to change now but cannot. So must suffer the lingering guilt of failing to be perfect under sometimes very difficult circumstances. Neither of us was perfect. We were simply human. The fragile products of our own upbringing. Damaged goods. As are most human beings. 

 Tread softly around those you hold most dear. Once carved indelibly into your timeline together. Nothing can [ever] be undone. 

 8.00 Enough waffling. Time for a walk in the sunshine.

 8.40 Back from a deliberately brisk walk to the lanes. The doctor has asked for more blood pressure readings. I wanted to capture the result of exercise. Since my recent dizziness followed lots of exercise. I was concerned that my BP had dropped too far as a result of my medication. The lowest reading followed five minutes of sitting quietly: 96/75 at 75bpm. I'll try again after half an hour of sitting at the computer. Lowest reading after 40 minutes: 98/76 pulse 75. My pulse is usually much slower. 

 

 ~o~

3.04.2025 62km.

 ~o~

  Thursday 3rd 36F/2.2C. Another sunny day. Reaching almost 17C/62F mid afternoon.

 Up at 5.30 after another difficult night. Was I really awake for hours? Or only dreaming I was awake?

 Happy Birthday Dave! 

 7.10 A walk. 

 8.10 46F/8C. Back again. I was treated to several sunrises over local obstructions. As I walked the wrong way down the road. Then up to the forest by the steep track. Where I saw at least four bucks with antlers grazing under the beech trees. They were about 200 meters away. 

 What I hadn't spotted was a single deer in the corner of the field. Just beyond the boundary hedge. It glared intensely at me for a while before dashing away down the edge of the forest. The grazing deer sensed something and stared. Before they too sprinted way into the forest. 

 I descended towards home via the spray tracks. A cold, quiet morning with no wind. It needed my hands in my pockets for most of my walk. Though the local group of turbines were all turning briskly again. 

 It should be a perfect day for another ride. Or would that be foolish? Many of my rides head north. Which raises a serious issue. The railway building work crosses most of my familiar routes. With no obvious detours. I just did a search and now have a timetable for road closures. I think I can reach several of my charity shop goals by going further west. I am not quite sure why I continue to visit charity shops. Just habit I suppose. I no longer need any more display cabinets. There is nowhere sensible left to put them. 

 2.20 61F/16C. Back from a 62km ride. Four charity shops and a load of groceries to show for it. I stayed just south of the railway work. Tensioning the saddle did not solve the discomfort problem. I wore another pair of bibs. [padded cycle shorts with soft braces]

 17.15 I opened the greenhouse door before I had a 40 minute nap. It was 115F/46C out there. Only 66F/19C in the room. The temperature in the room has now reached 72.5F/22.5C. While the kitchen has risen to 75F/24C. The greenhouse has only dropped to 100F/38C. I had better bring in the towels. Which I hung on the outside clothes airer before leaving.

 Dinner was poached eggs on toast. I caught up with the washing up backlog first.

 I rang my brother to wish him a happy birthday. We were reminiscing about motorbikes in our teens.

 ~o~

2.04.2025 Why is everything fuzzy?

 ~o~

  Wednesday 2nd 40F/4.4C. Another sunny day is promised. Close to 50F/10C mid-afternoon. Light winds. 

 Up at 6am after a bad night. I was awake for hours. No idea why. I got up eventually to have a drink of apple juice. I didn't dare sit on the computer with black coffee.

 I am expected at my friend's place this morning. With physio afterwards I will have to go a bit earlier than usual. I don't feel any ill effects from yesterday's marathon ride. Three tablets short of a set when I sorted out my heart medication. I'll have to visit the pharmacy. 

 7.20 Going for a short walk top check my fitness..

 The blinding sun was over the horizon. The birds were typically noisy. With only a chilly NE breeze spoiling the fun. I looped around the neighbours' drives. No ill effects from yesterday. Time for a shower.

 8.15 Leaving.  

 12.00 Returned from my visit. It was very pleasant wandering outside in his extensive grounds.

 13.00 Leaving for physio. The car keep hiccuping!

 15.30 Back from physio. Where I became rather dizzy towards the end. My vision became all fuzzy and sparkly. Probably pushing myself too hard. Perhaps my blood pressure has dropped too low and my medications need adjusting. I'll make an appointment for a chat with the doctor. 

 15.45 Time for a nap. I opened the greenhouse door. It is 118F/48C out there! It reached only a modest 68F/20C in the room.

 Dinner was yet another fry-up. Fried chicken, brown mushrooms, tweggs and cherry tomatoes.

 

  ~o~

1st April 2025 115km/71 miles.

 ~o~

  Tuesday 1st 30F/-1C. A white, overnight frost. To be followed by another sunny day. Promising 13C/55F maximum after lunch. With light winds from the NE going more easterly later. A perfect day for a ride? I have put the spare battery on charge. After it dropped to 50% during yesterday's short [23km] ride. With further rides before that.

 Up at 6.40 after yet another quiet night. I am aching as if I had worked hard yesterday, but didn't. An early walk will help. The room has dropped to 61F/16C overnight. I did not light the stove as it reached 71F/22C in the afternoon. Thanks to the boost from the 100F/38C greenhouse. 

 It is a chilly 41F/5C this morning. There is little thermal storage out there. Apart from the brick floor and house wall. So temperatures fluctuate violently between overnight frost and unbroken sunshine. I have made little attempt to control the shrubbery in the front garden so far this year. So I could achieve a little more solar gain by reducing shadowing. 

 A more cosmetic "gardening" approach would be rather more sensible. Because I shall soon be shading the greenhouse with commercial quality shade net. Once the excessive daytime temperatures are no longer desired. To warm the house in lieu of expensive firewood. Of which I probably have slightly more than a week's worth of reserve toasting in the greenhouse. Plus the huge heap of chestnut logs outside if times become really hard. They have been out there for three years so should be combustible.

 8.00. 33F/0.6C. Sunshine. Time for a walk. I see there is ice on the small pond this morning. I had better wear my down sweater.

 8.30 38F/3.3C. And back again. Another loop around the spray tracks and back along the neighbours' beautiful drive. Only half an hour elapsed but probably slightly more exercise than walking the busy road. I must have chosen a poor time because the traffic was nose to tail. With a few gaps. My bare hands were cold but soon warmed up in my pockets. The total absence of discernible wind helped. Despite the local turbine group all turning briskly! 

8.50  I'll have morning coffee while I decide where to go for a ride. 

 Bogense, on the north coast, would be a pleasant destination. My plan to go via the least busy lanes is thwarted by a [minor] road closure. A new railway bridge is crossing the expanding motorway. Lots of work stretching along that entire area. So I'll have to look for another route. Or another destination. While avoiding the main roads. Which I have ridden numerous times on my trike. All the roads are undulating and beautiful but spoilt by the traffic while cycling. No doubt they feel much the same way about us on our bikes/trikes. 

 Change of destination. Otterup is 50km away via minor roads. So a 100km round trip. Unless I detour. As is my wont.

 10.10 46F/8C. Lunch packed, time to go. 

 17.00 Back from a 115km ride to Otterup. The detours forced by multiple road closures were a torment! Particularly as they occurred towards the end of a long ride. Just under 7 hours total duration. Averaging 21.5km/hr while moving. 

 I felt as if I was being cut in half by the saddle for most of the ride. Having to stop frequently to escape from the pain. I was wearing my best Assos bibs. A fool and his money are soon parted. 

 I felt dizzy and my sight went fuzzy as I sat at the computer. So I went straight to bed for a 40 minute nap. Fortunately I felt better after that.

 Dinner was baked beans on toast. With a buttered roll.

 

  ~o~